“The Peak of My Funness”

Commissioner Rob Manfred announced yesterday that the Designated Hitter will be implemented in the National League, thus, as Yasi Khan so succinctly put, ‘ending a history that stretches back to the 1880s.’

Sometimes history must end. Traditions erased and reset. Maybe the Universal DH is progress. A key step in the master plan of the MLB owners to Make Baseball Great Again. Studies have shown that an addition of 0.14 more runs in half of the games on any given day will topple the NFL hegemony and strip the NBA of its cultural clout.

On school playgrounds, there will be empty basketball courts. No more ‘Kobe!’ shouted before releasing a 15-foot jumper, no ‘Curry!’ before heaving up a…