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Alexandra Petri: Not my type

I would not draw or quarter anyone with a widow's peak!

How dare you accuse me of this, when I only kill men with strong chins?

You are insulting me when you suggest — you dare suggest! — I would choke and bludgeon repeatedly, with a club decoupaged in Jackson twenties, someone whose jawline was not perfectly square. I almost think you do not know me, to have thought me capable of such a thing.

I would never in my wildest imaginings dream of locking in a secluded cabin full of spiders anyone not fluent in French, and I am hurt you would think of it.