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Alexandra Petri: A flabbergasted Richard Nixon revises his resignation speech

Boy, I feel like a goof, watching the Trump administration in action! My notion of what mistakes I made was wrong. In fact, my mistake was leaving. Consequently, I would like to amend a good deal the speech in which I originally resigned:

I have never been a quitter. To leave office before my term is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body. So, I think, I won't.

I thought erroneously that America needs a full-time president and a full-time Congress, particularly at this time with problems we face at home and abroad; in fact, we just need someone who can occasionally swoop in on Air Force One to redecorate it in patriotic trim before jetting off again to the golf club.