Thirteen Highly Specific Predictions for Super Bowl LVII

A record broken. A forgotten star reemerges. An x-factor’s big night. Surprise musical guests. A last-second kick. Why you must get out of the apartment.

The Super Bowl stage is set, featuring a matchup between the Eagles and the Chiefs. The great stoic Epictetus once said: “If you want to improve, be content being thought of as foolish and stupid.” Such is the default setting of any aspiring sports prognosticator, who aims to be both bold and accurate.

In the words ahead, we will disseminate 13 predictions for the upcoming game, the lot of which most of you will care about only in a social way. But there is so much cosmic thickness to this game beyond chicken wings and FanDuel parlays. Yes,…