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Why the Mariners should sign Nathan Eovaldi (and why they won’t)

I am 99.9% sure the Mariners should sign Nathan Eovaldi, and 100% sure they will not, and that bums me out, so before we get into the nitty-gritty, a story:

I was at Safeco early during the Rays series, waiting to meet some friends, and there was an opposing pitcher throwing a bullpen, so I went to watch. There’s not a ton of info you can gain from watching a bullpen: there’s no live batters, usually (although in this case Mallex Smith was standing in, his giant Florida-shaped pendant sparkling in the afternoon sunlight); there’s no radar gun; nothing is swung at or put in play.