Mariners exploit alternate timeline to play two games at once, lose both anyway

After their 5-4 loss to the Guardians last night, the Mariners decided that drastic action was necessary. They had their best baseball engineers and baseball quantum physicists construct the ultimate training tool: the Several Players Literally In Two Seperate Quantum Universal Avenues Device, or SPLIT SQUAD. This would finally allow the team to play two games at once, doubling their chances to win. Scott Servais hunkered down for the night, a twinkle in his eye, and a smile on his lips.

For scientific reasons, the SPLIT SQUAD players could not play on the same field at the same time, lest they touch and create a matter/antimatter cascade. So instead, the Prime Mariners left to play the…