We take you now to Roger Goodell’s office suite, a.k.a. the Fortress of Ginger, where his cadre of aides have gathered nervously to deliver the latest dispatches from across the NFL diaspora.
“Okay, what level of hinder-ache are you bringing me today, you robo-squirrels?”
“Well, Commissioner, the Cam Newton meeting . . .”
“I know about that. I was there, remember? You got the information about the penalties we haven’t missed on him?”
“Yes. Already put it out.”
“Good. What else?”
“Okay. It seems Las Vegas . . .”
“NO! NO! NO!