In case you were out with your imaginary girlfriend this week, here's what happened in sports:
- In the most bizzarre sports news in years, Manti Te'o got Catfish-ed by a friend who created a (fake) dead girlfriend that did not actually exist and we all got #Te'o'd. Although she was fake, reports are that during her stint with (fake) leukemia she wore a "LIVESTRONG" bracelet to support Lance Armstrong. Apparently she never got the news. In addition, the sequel of Catfish is now in early development, and the working title is "Catfish Part II: Revenge of the Fallen". It is being directed by Michael Bay.
- Lance Armstrong finally admitted to using performance enhancing drugs (PEDs) and being a bully while winning seven Tour de France titles in an interview with Oprah. Worried about his public image, Lance prayed to God to give his last nut for a "bigger story about a fake dead girlfriend that a superstar has never met so that his indiscretions become an afterthought". After Manti Te'o's story came out, he once again prayed to God, "You know I was joking, right?, YOU ALREADY TOOK MY GOOD TESTICLE!". In other news, Lance Armstrong is privately funding Catfish Part II: Revenge of the Fallen.
- Colin Kaepernick ran for a record 181 yards rushing while throwing for over 200 yards and accounting for four touchdowns in a win over the Green Bay Packers to advance the San Francisco 49ers into the NFC Championship game against the Atlanta Falcons. Kaepernick has lead to the new craze "Kaepernicking" where you kiss your tattoos after a touchdown. Other crazes include "Tebowing", "Griffining" - where you lay on the ground writhing in pain because your field destroyed your knee. "Romo-ing" - where you throw an interception at the most crucial time in a game. "Manning-ing" - where you look like you breath out of your mouth and wonder how the hell this guy is a successful QB? and everyone's favorite "Sanchezing" when a big butt gets in your way and you fumble the ball.
- The New York Jets are reportedly interested in signing potential free agent Michael Vick. The Jets seem to be interested in Vick because he combines everything the Jets love, a left-handed QB that loves to run but also takes a lot of sacks and turns the ball over. Vick is also contemplating changing his name to Mark Tebow or Tark Sanbow. Coincidentally, Tark Sanbow will be the fake love interest in Catfish Part II: Revenge of the Fallen.
- Kobe Bryant was voted to his 15th All-Star game in his career. Kobe starting is a perfect fit for the Western Conference Team -- a game where Kobe can shoot whenever he wants and people play little-to-no defense, sounds like the quintessential Laker team. Hopefully Kobe can bring Mike Brown and Mike D'Antoni to coach the team.
- Lance CartelliBack to the San Francisco 49ers Newsfeed