Who To Root For Now That The US Is Out Of The World Cup

 

The USMNT took a tough loss to Belgium in the round of 16, falling 2-1 in extra time. We're just as anxious to forget about it as you are, so let's get right down to business...now that the Americans are out, which World Cup team should you root for?

 

France: France is a fun, highly-skilled team that's still underrated because their 2010 team was so awful. They'd be a great country to root for, if it wasn't for the whole "being from France" thing.

If you enjoy players with absolutely ridiculous hair and have no problem rooting for one of America's historical frenemies, the French might be for you. If you still call them 'freedom fries' and have never willingly eaten a croissant, you should probably keep looking.

 

Germany: The Germans are so...German. Technical, efficient, and effective, they're one of the favorites to win the whole thing, and they managed to navigate a very tricky group without ever really leaving second gear.

Since America's coach (and several of our players) were German or part-German, this is a very tempting choice for most casual American fans. Need more convincing? Try this .GIF of German leading scorer Thomas Muller tearing it up at a nightclub.

 

Brazil: If the German team is a well-oiled sports car made up of similar parts, Brazil is a junkyard experiment with a jet engine, a backhoe and an ejector seat. Brazilian manager Luis Felipe Scolari has done a great job of duct-taping everything together into a functional machine, but it still sputters and does random, unhelpful things at very inconvenient times. This is not the brilliant, flowing Brazilian team that won five World Cups - some of the individual talent is there, but the squad just isn't cohesive enough.

Root for Brazil if you want it to remain a functional country - seriously, the fans are liable to go ballistic if Brazil loses, especially in a rough or embarrassing way. There have been government inquiries in years when they lost in the final...no one really knows what would go down if the Brazilians go out, but we know it wouldn't be pretty. If total anarchy is your thing, move right along.

 

Colombia: Speaking of anarchy, if you're a fan of dark horse teams that could de-throne traditional powers, Colombia is for you. Already a dark horse before star forward Falcao was ruled out of the World Cup with an injury, Colombia have been the tournament's surprise team thanks to the emergence of leading scorer James Rodriguez. Creative and exciting, this Colombia team is stacked with talent and also knows not to take itself too seriously.

The Colombians play Brazil in the next round, and a win over the home country would be considered a massive upset. Colombia isn't the biggest underdog here...but they're the one with the most realistic chance of shocking an established power.

 

Argentina: Argentina have looked like an absolute mess so far - they narrowly escaped one of the easiest groups, then needed a 118th-minute goal in extra time to get by Switzerland (a decent team, but not exactly a powerhouse). The Argentines do have an ace up their sleeve, though...Lionel Messi, who just so happens to be the best player in the world.

Argentina seems to have settled on the 'let's give the ball to Messi and get out of the way' strategy, which is honestly a smart move. If you're a fan of teams where one brilliant player tries to make up for the deficiencies of everyone else (we're looking at you, Miami Heat fans), Argentina is perfect for ya. If you like things like 'balance' or 'teamwork'...keep right on moving.

 

Belgium: Do you hate freedom? Are you an anti-American, possibly-communist enemy of the state? Do you enjoy light, fluffy waffles? You've found yourself a team!

Seriously, though, any Americans found rooting for Belgium should be deported to Siberia immediately. It's a tough punishment, but a fair one. Merica.

 

The Netherlands: Of all the teams left in the World Cup, the Dutch are probably the easiest to hate. Midfield enforcer Nigel De Jong seriously injured American midfielder Stu Holden in a non-competitive friendly match...star striker Robin Van Persie's image still hasn't recovered from a controversial transfer two summers ago...and Arjen Robben...is Arjen Robben.

Let's face it - the Dutch are an exciting team to watch, but rooting for them is like watching COPS and rooting for the perps. They're also playing tournament Cinderella Costa Rica, the only CONCACAF team left in the Cup (CONCACAF = America's division...so Costa Rica = pretty much America's team). Anyone rooting for the Netherlands past this point is not to be trusted.

 

Costa Rica: For a country with a smaller population than the San Diego Metropolitan Area, these guys can play. No one expected Costa Rica to qualify...and no one expected them to make it out of the group stage...then no one expected them to make the round of eight...but here they are, playing a hard-nosed, possibly-evil Dutch team.

If you root for March Madness teams that you've never heard of and always find yourself pulling for the underdog, this is the team you want to cheer for. Sure, they might be guilty of a little gamesmanship now and then, but this is soccer we're talking about - not everyone can be Tim Howard.

 

So, if you haven't already made a decision yet, let's make that easier by splitting these teams up into five tiers:

 

The Contenders: Germany, Brazil

The Dark Horse: Colombia

The Wild Cards: France, Argentina

The Cinderella: Costa Rica

The Villains: Netherlands, Belgium

 

Hope this helped...now get back out there and enjoy the rest of the Cup!

 

Relevant:

The Ultimate American's Guide To The World Cup

Back to the Rumors Humor Newsfeed