"Tim Tebow is an excellent distributor of water." My interview with Faux John Madden


Football may be a long ways off, but that doesn't mean we can't talk about FOOTBALL with the voice of the game, John Madden's awesome parody twitter account. No offense to all the other parody accounts I've interviewed but to be honest, @FauxJohnMadden is the crème de la crème of twitter parodies. For example:


By the way, FOOTBALL! Here's "Madden:"

What have you been up to lately?  Do you have a telestrator at home to get your fix?

I actually do.  Thanks to the magic of the lovely iPad.   However it was not all sunshine and lollipops. I accidentally used a yellow sharpie on a plasma television, it was a dark moment in my life.

Honestly, did you ever intentionally try to draw dirty things on the telestrator?

What is that term psychologists use? Freudian slip? I think when I was thinking about Brett Favre as I was describing a play... that's what happened. You know you just get your mind racing and thinking of one thing while your mouth is trying to think of another thing and your hand is doodling and your mind is doodling and that's what that's all about.

Can you describe the role Tebow will have with New England this year?

Tim Tebow, I don't know if you know this, but Tim Tebow is an excellent distributor of water. He just has this Brett Favre like ability to hand cups of water to starting players on the bench. So I think that will be one of his roles. I think another possible role will be to teach Sunday School to all the players children. He gained a lot of experience with kids last season by just being around Antonio Cromartie.

What was the first conversation like between Brady, Mallett and Tebow?

I imagine it was probably pretty short. You know.. Tom Brady was probably getting his hair ready and when Tom Brady gets his hair ready, or lines up at quarterback, he's really focused. So I imagine Tim Tebow was his usual polite self and Ryan Mallett was just doing Ryan Mallett things, like just staying back and collecting a paycheck praying that Tom Brady doesn't get hurt.

How many total syllables do you think Belichick used in his first conversation with Tebow?

Well let's see, how many syllables are in "Sit down over there" .. five? Let's go with five.

How much better would LeBron’s time be spent playing wide receiver rather than playing in the NBA?

LeBron James is the best basketball player in the world, but can you imagine if he played wide receiver with Brett Favre? I mean, at a minimum that's the best QB to WR tandem in sports history. At a maximum.. the world probably explodes. So I would say for the safety of the universe, LeBron James should stay in the NBA.

Any chance JaMarcus Russell could make it as a long snapper?

Well that would be interesting for sure. I mean he had a hard time throwing the ball forward, maybe his calling all this time was to bend over and try to throw a pass backwards between his legs. I would give this a 5% chance of working.

Give us the breakdown on Plaxico, PacMan, and Ocho Cinco.

They have all at one point in time, shot themselves in the leg. Figuratively and literally speaking.

Who should ESPN fire from their football coverage?

Does Skip Bayless count? If not can we hire him just to fire him?

Who did you vote for for the Madden 25 cover?

I kept trying to put Brett Favre in as a write-in candidate. No dice. I do however now fear for Barry Sanders safety.

Favorite all-time player and why?

Do you really have to ask this? The obvious answer is Morten Andersen. What did you think I was going to say someone else?

How often do you have Turducken?

Three times a year. During the holidays. Once a week I am contractually obligated to eat at Outback Steakhouse.

Nina Agdal or Kate Upton?

Nina for the simple fact that everyone wants Kate Upton.

List the guys, in any sport, who would never be All-Madden material.

Alex Rodriguez, Chris Bosh .. oh wait you said guys. Just Alex Rodriguez then.

More Twitter parody interviews below:

Interview with the Skip Bayless Twitter parody handle


Interview with the Evil Mike Tomlin Twitter parody handle


Interview with the Jesus M. Christ Twitter parody handle


Interview with the Faux Pelini Twitter parody handle


Interview with the Happy Gilmore Twitter parody handle


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