You’ll have to wait until the fifth of September to get the first edition of “Money for Nothing—And the Picks for Free”, but there’s no reason to fret, for I’ve got the ultimate teaser trailer for the up-coming NFL Season…
AFC WEST
3.) Broncos—Not really a formality, for they did win this thing last year, but they’ll win a bit differently this year—not with an added aerial attack, but a balanced one.
Chiefs—I love this team because they showed heart at the end of last year, and as one of the two teams within this division in whom I feel confident, why not put them in second place?
Chargers—The wheels could completely fall off this team in 2012, but I think they’ll just tread water and prevent from drowning, once again.
Raiders—If they couldn’t put themselves in the playoffs last year with all the cards in their favor, I can’t see it happening this year either; but I’ve been wrong before—and I’ll be wrong again.
NFC WEST
4.) 49ers—Good players and good coaching with time means a team constantly gets better; add new good players to last year’s team, and I see big things from the City by the Bay.
Seahawks—Same thing as above, yet Seattle got a quarterback to add to their ever-improving ballclub.
Cards—Probably the most interesting bad team in the NFC; plus, you know that, as they always do, they’ll beat at least two teams outright that they have no business being on the field with.
Rams—No hope, not a prayer—to put it mildly, St. Louis will get a good draft pick.
AFC NORTH
4.) Steelers—What puts them atop this division in my mind is coach and quarterback, because between Baltimore and Pittsburgh the defenses are a wash—and their playoff histories speak for themselves.
5.) Ravens—Quoth the Raven, Nevermore; sorry, but that’s Poe talking not me, so you can’t really blame me, yet I cannot see them defending last year’s fluke.
Bungles—Call it a sophomore slump, call it a huge competition problem with the best o’ th’ division—just don’t call them a playoff team, okay?
The Browns—These guys are like the Cardinals of the AFC: The most interesting bad team in the conference; funny this is, they’re probably guaranteed for two outright upsets, also.
NFC NORTH
2.) Packers—What looked like the next NFC dynasty got caught in the middle of a jam-packed conference, so Green Bay will be a Stupor Bowl caliber team missing out on that trophy.
5.) Da Bears—An offensive reunion, as well as the coach that’ll never get fired, equals the first surprise playoff team in the NFC.
Lions—Love for the little o’ team from Detroit is understandable: If it were 2011; sorry Motor City, the Windy City just got better than you.
Vikings—From the bottom of this division, advancement looks impossible—because it is; they might improve on last year’s win total, however, with something like four or five W’s.
AFC SOUTH
1.) Texans—Houston will be owning this division for quite some time, but anything more than an early playoff exit is asking too much.
Titans—No one knows what this team will do; they could be 10-6 or 6-10; they could fight for draft order or a wild card spot; so what I’m saying is: Just watch the show.
Jags—Ditto in everything except against the number, for Tennessee got more predictable ATS last season as the year went on, while Jacksonville got less, so more of that.
Colts—Isn’t it weird that Indiana will be looking forward to basketball to start over football?—just saying…
NFC SOUTH
1.) Ain’ts—The never-ending party city has one of the NFC’s best franchises going, and this year is no exception; I love this team to post a record giving NO the first week of the playoffs off.
6.) Panthers—Welcome to my second surprise in the NFC: The Carolina Panthers; everyone had fun watching this team last year, but in 2012 they’ll make major waves—wait until my playoff picks—for they’ll blow your mind.
Falcones—ATL isn’t out of the playoff picture because I don’t like them—for I believe that—but they are ahead of Tampa for only one reason: To jinx them to the bottom o’ this division: Please; Please.
Bucs—This team was so bad at the end of last season, sports bettors felt bad making money off them; this year should be much o’ th’ same.
AFC EAST
2.) Patriots—They’re the Patriots: All offense, no defense and they’ll struggle with anyone physical; I hate it, but I can’t put them in the Stupor Bowl.
6.) J-E-T-S—Liking this team may be dangerous because they’ll need a little time to figure it all out, but, when they do: Watch out.
Bills—Give me a team that doesn’t give up, and I’ll put them ahead of Miami any day; in fact, they’re defense might be a good fantasy steal; fyi…
Fish—They don’t have a quarterback, they traded away their greatest offensive asset and they’re in the AFC East; ouch, yes, but that does sound like a death threat.
NFC EAST
3.) G-Men—They had a better record the year following their last Stupor Bowl, so the NFC East shall be hating them this year; but the rest o’ th’ NFC will love them if that trend continues, because that means that they get bounced in the second season.
Eggles—This team is too cocky to be better than .500, but they’ll be the most-fun and most-disappointing team to watch simultaneously.
Cowgirls—Big D will be a train wreck yet again, except I won’t care enough about them to even turn on the TV after Thanksgiving to watch them go down in flames.
‘Skins—Another year, another time to witness Washington attempt the experiment known as them trying to play football.
WILD CARD ROUND
Jets (+5) @ Broncos—NYJ outright; everyone knows someone can’t play in the snow.
Ravens @ Steelers (-3)—Rubber match in Pittsburgh goes to the home team via a costly turnover.
Panther (+8) @ G-Men—But Carolina advances.
Da Bears @ 49ers (-4 ½)—Defense slays the Bears badly.
DIVISIONAL ROUND
NYJ (+4) @ Houston—The number says it all: AFC Championship Game for the Jets.
PIT (+5) @ NE—How about a shootout the Pats don’t win?—I knew you’d like it.
CAR (+11) @ NO—The most fun on television this postseason via upset.
San Fran (+4) @ The Pack—A game in the snow with the team from Cali winning.
CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIPS
Jets @ Steelers (-3)—A duel of running attacks comes down to a 2-minute drill.
Panthers @ 49ers (-7)—Boredom ensues for those not fans of complete domination.
THE STUPOR BOWL
Steelers}7 49ers}6
The Steelers won’t cover any number with this prediction, nor will the total be anything other than the under.
That out of the way, let’s explore how this game happens in my head: A ton of turnovers: Fumbles, interceptions, the works. And the 49ers miss a field goal off the uprights as time expires.
Did I mention how Pittsburgh gets into the end zone? A blocked punt. Who wouldn’t love to watch that game?
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