You're going to laugh at me for this one. You may even send derogatory emails to my personal Twitter account (BLOCKED!). However, I'm just a little scared of these five NFL players and I'm going to sit here and rock until the nightmares go away.
Ndamukong Suh (Miami Dolphins)
This is how this likely goes down. Ndamukong dares us on the spot to spell his first name right. We add a Q in there somewhere. He punches through our face. He asks us again to spell it. We cry.
Khalil Mack (Oakland Raiders)
We're giving Mack bonus badass points if he decides to walk around in his spare time wearing his former Shredder face mask (eff you, NFL). Either way, Mack would run through us like a Hummer through a misplaced hot-dog cart on the freeway.
Steve Smith Sr. (Baltimore Ravens)
You're laughing because Smith is a wide receiver. We're freaking out because he's that guy at the bar who will fight you to the death over a slight elbow because he may/may not have a height complex. There are bigger, scarier guys. We still don't want to accidentally sneeze on Smith's blazer.
JJ Watt (Houston Texans)
Can't you just imagine Watt punching himself in the head, daring you to take a swing at him? He'd draw blood from himself while you (we) cowered in the corner wetting our khakis. Don't hurt us, JJ. We mean this out of respect.
Tom Brady (New England Patriots)
No Tom, we don't want to see your Uggs ad again. No, we don't care about the PSI of your favorite footballs. No, we're not going to sign your petition to replace Roger Goodell with a potted plant. No, no, NO.
It's been a very Brady offseason. He's the last person we want to see right now, alley or not.
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