WHY THESE CHARACTERS IN MARIO KART 8 WILL DIE BY MY HAND

TO HELL WITH HIM AND HIS ENTIRE CREW Recently our household acquired a Nintendo Switch. As far as video game systems go, it’s the cotton-candy flavored meth sold in sparkly bags closed with glittery twist-ties — coded and branded for children, adorably packaged, and still very much a pipeline for addictive, life-destroying distractions poured straight into the eyeballs.

It’s also been a dark reminder that Mario Kart is a real-life MacGuffin for any story about people revealing the secret hate, rage, and malice living in their souls. It is the Rage virus from 28 Days Later, the One Ring To Rule Them All from LOTR, the thing in the briefcase from Pulp Fiction. It is the excuse for the bad to…