BREAKING: "Steroid Kingpin" Eric Sogard To Receive Lifetime Ban

 

THIS JUST IN: Major League Baseball is expected to level a lifetime ban on A's 2B Eric Sogard.

An FBI sting operation raided Sogard's Oakland Hills home early Tuesday morning, and officers say they've unearthed a steroid production and distribution ring the scale of which "easily dwarfs" anything they'd seen before. The operation included labs, production facilities and a shipping area that included what authorities are calling "damning" evidence against a slew of other marquee names.

"It was absolutely mindblowing," FBI agent Dennis Brosius told reporters. "Underneath the home, we found a facility that not only produces synthetic testosterone derivatives, but also anabolic steroids of a sophistication we'd never seen before."

"We walked in just after 7 AM to find Mr. Sogard wearing nothing but a lab coat, eating testosterone pills like candy and watching The Ultimate Fighter," Brosius said. "Ultimately, it took eight agents to subdue him."

 

[caption id="attachment_362" align="aligncenter" width="389" caption="Sogard in college, before Steroids transformed his body"][/caption]

 

Sogard, known for his explosive power and destructive swing, was once the 'lovable nerd' in the Athletics clubhouse...until 2013, when he mysteriously gained 60 lbs of muscle and became a "loose cannon" in the eyes of his teammates.

"Eric...Eric used to be a total nerd, if we're being honest," said A's 3B Josh Donaldson. "We used to talk about Star Wars and fun places he could take his wife and kids on the weekend. Then last season, he shows up at Spring Training and suddenly it's all about 'getting shredded' and 'going yard'...he even tried to fight Cespedes for using his favorite machine a few times."

Sogard hit .167 with two home runs in 2012, but burst onto the scene with 38 homers in 2013. His statistical (and physical) gains were attributed to a 'new diet' by A's GM Billy Beane.

 

Happy April Fool's Day

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