First of his name, raiser of funds and sic semper tyrannis of my Alma Mater,
I am inking this scroll on the dreary 16th day of February in the 18th year of our Lord Bianco in order to vehemently and indubitably express my extreme agitation and unrest with your bumfuzzling predisposition towards the drudging churls in the Swayze slums of right field.
Upon meticulously reviewing your inane efforts to badger favor with the nincompoots that set up cattywampus shantytown establishments, i.e. distribution of sugary crullers and peonic pie slices, I must declare this tomfoolerish behavior quite unsettling.