Yes, I, Mike the Tiger, Would Eat You

Me, Mike the TigerMy Snacks,

It took almost a year, but this week, my true nature was revealed to the world. I can finally stop hiding.

I, MIKE THE TIGER, AM OUT TO KILL YOU.

For a long time I was pretending to just be, like, a friendly tiger. But as you clearly have seen from a series of viral videos where my attacks were thwarted by a crafty window (this time), I have been perfecting my stalking and creeping skills. All year, I’ve been watching. I’m as powerful as the Tiger football players and a graceful as the Gymnastics Tigers. I’m as dedicated as Coach O and as fiery as Will Wade.

I’m so scary now that I ran off my last young caretakers, who left me in May, changing their names to DVM,…