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SPORTS SATIRE: COVID-19 and Recent Protests Lead Sports Commissioners to Realize Robot-Athletes Much Cheaper, Deferential

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American sports executives met last week to discuss the viability of replacing athletes with unthinking, amoral robot-teams.

Despite the tireless hours that sports executives spent this summer consulting with spiritual gurus, polishing antique lamps and trying to manifest positive outcomes through guided meditations, the COVID-19 virus didn’t miraculously dissipate.

Instead, it threatened to derail Major League Baseball just weeks into the shortened season, led to the cancellation of much of the fall slate of collegiate athletics and threatened the economic viability of the industry as a whole. For many commissioners across the American sports landscape, the high overhead expenses and mental toll associated with listening to athletes gripe and moan about their physical safety may have proven too great a weight to bear.