Stan Kroenke's Hair: The Greatest Mystery In Sports

You may not be familiar with E. Stanley Kroenke, but you probably know at least a few of the teams he owns - Kroenke is either full owner or has a controlling stake in the St. Louis Rams (NFL), the Denver Nuggets (NBA), the Colorado Rapids (MLS), the Colorado Avalanche (NHL), and Arsenal of the English Premier League.

Known as "Silent Stan" to several fanbases, Kroenke is something of an enigma - he shows up when it's absolutely required, doesn't say much of anything, then disappears back into the ether until his next appearance. While his personality and motivations are a mystery, there's one thing about Stan that baffles us more than the rest - his unpredictable, ever-changing hair. Let's take a look at some of the "styles" he's favored in recent years:

The Original (?)

Somehow, this is the oldest picture of Kroenke in public circulation. It's been on the Kroenke-owned Pepsi Center website for at least a decade, and features what scientists believe to be his original hair.

The Journey Begins


Here's the second-oldest picture of Kroenke we could dig up, this time with former Nuggets star Carmelo Anthony. It's clear that the salt-and-pepper look is history. In its place, we have what appears to be a raccoon pelt, and Carmelo seems to find it highly amusing.

Browning Out


While the sideburns and mustache have gone gray, the rest of Kroenke's hair has been miraculously spared - in fact, it's looking better than ever!

Let's Try That Again


"Now those idiots made it too brown, and everyone at the shareholders meeting made fun of me. I said I wanted to look YOUTHFUL, not like a member of One Direction"

Back In Black


Here's Kroenke at a recent Arsenal game after a dye job/toupee replacement. He's clearly shaken after seeing the hair of the man standing behind him, a reminder of his own inevitable destiny.


Wait...what's this? Never mind that it looks like Stan let a drunk Rams fan cut his hair at a tailgate - could this be Kroenke's hair in its natural habitat?

The 15-Year-Old Boy


...maybe not. This brings us to our most recent photograph, and we think we've finally cracked the code. Kroenke isn't wearing increasingly embarrassing toupees - his hair is aging in reverse, Benjamin Button-style, and the rest of him is miraculously unaffected. That second-to-last picture was just a false flag operation to throw us off the scent.

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