Author's note: While there is a heavy dose of sarcasm in this article, there is nothing sarcastic about the central point, which is McCoy's inevitable contract extension.
If all you want for Christmas is for the Chargers to fire Mike McCoy and you're the least bit prone to depression or self-mutilation, or have even the slightest chemical dependency, well...this article isn't for you. Why? Because, as the title suggests, I'm about to tell you why the Chargers will extend Mike McCoy regardless of how he finishes the 2016 season, and I'm going to do it in the Chargers words before doing it in my own words.