Iowa Basketball head coach and disappointed father Fran McCaffrey shocked the world today by announcing that he is entering his first-born son, Connor, into the NCAA Transfer Portal. After twenty-two years of Connor relying on his father for housing, food, Wi-Fi, and a single cold embrace each year on his birthday, Fran, red-faced and yelling indiscriminately at passersby, has apparently grown tired of his second-favorite child’s presence in the McCaffrey home.
While Connor’s initial refusal to move away from home to the University of Iowa’s sprawling, dull campus filled with high school burnouts and first-round Big Ten Tournament losses remains unclear, especially after “earning” a “full” “athletic” “scholarship” for the “basketball team,” it appears as though his lease has run out.