What Has Jose Canseco Been Up To? If You Said Meth, You're Probably Wrong

Jim Caple wrote a very interesting and potentially sympathy inducing piece (if you like this jabroni) on Jose Canseco today on ESPN.   Actually, I'm not a huge fan of this jabroni and I still felt a little sympathy for the guy.  I imagine that article was like reading the script of The Wrestler.  Canseco, like Mickey Rourke's character is a man who knows how to do one thing.  Instead of wrestle, Canseco knows how to play baseball.  If you put him in almost any other situation, he unknowingly embarrasses himself in that special way that makes the on-looker cringe, instead of laugh.

I'm sure there are more words to be said than that.  I'm sure I could wax poetically on Jose's probably waxed chest.  But in my world, nothing is as exciting as watching people hit dingers.  Don't worry, they're not real dingers, no one outside of the Yuma Scorpions of the "My Career is SOOOOOO Over Independant League," would let him do that.  No friends, these are softball dingers. In his endless quest for performance enhancers Jose Canseco has finally turned his attention to the periodic table and found aluminum.

This one supposedly went 572 feet, which is only conceivable if the last 145 feet of ball travel were aided by a confused pelican who mistook the softball for one of it's young:

Old Yankee stadium was so decrepit before being torn down that the Steinbrenners erected facades that looked like fans at the end of the outfield wall. Thankfully Jose hits it right over them:

Jose, these are meatballs, the guy is throwing underhand for god's sake. Wonderful home run hitting music in the background though.

My favorite clip of them all. If you had, "putting on softball hitting exhibitions for literally tens of hispanic people," in the "How Low will Jose Canseco Sink Pool," sponsored by Charlie Sheen, you almost won. Will the man or woman who picked, "playing in a co-ed softball game and drilling dingers off unsuspecting recreational athletes," please come down and pick up your prize. I have a lot of respect for the 5'1" catcher who didn't even pretend like she would have to try and catch the ball. If thebackground dialogue would have continued after, "Yup, #2 (HR today)," you would have undoubtedly heard, " I just really hope he doesn't run around the bases with his pants down again."

This is why I put "probably," in the title. His passion for the game and making himeslf into a king-kong like spectacle (complete with dilutions of romance with a blond "chick," presumably atop the Empire State building) still burns hot:

Oh Jose.

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