I like dumb commercials. They speak to me in a way that ABC's According to Jim speaks to the indigent, mentally deficient and those with crippling social disorders. I've found some vintage baseball related commercials that I think you might enjoy. Enjoy. Or don't, dick.
Nolan Ryan - Whataburger - Why don't you rub that shit in a little more Nolan? You don't think I like Whataburger? First you show off by throwing the ball hard, "Oh I need advil because my sweet arm allows me to throw the ball so hard." Now this. Dick.
Fernando Valenzuela - Corn Flakes - The worst part about this commercial is that Fernando's lines are actually in English, he's just that poor of a speaker. The children are perplexed and out of fear they revert to their native language, never understanding a word that "The Mania," says.
Casey Stengel's Corpse - Quaker (Ironnnnnyyyyyyyyyy) Life - Your best managerial strategy is to make sure your players are "feeling light when they play?" No wonder you lost 1842 games. You're a .500 manager and commercial's like this are the reason why.
An exceptional creepy Pee Wee Reese - Gillette - Boys? Baseball? Do you have ice cream in your van too Pee Wee? Was my mom in a car accident and do I have to drive with you to the hospital? Siiiccckkkk.
Yogi Berra smoking cigarettes and talking to cats - The juxtaposition of these commericals almost makes them funnier than if viewed on their own...almost. Just look at Yogi sucking down a camel in that first commercial. The only two equally awkward modern comparisons I can make is Josh Hamilton's pre-MLB spot for the NAMPA...JIH (National Association of Meth Producers of America...Jesus I'm High) and Tiger Wood's commercial for Titliest where he shows a couple TGIFriday's hostesses exactly how proficient he is with a 64 degree wedge.
Mickey Mantle for Natural Light - Just like the Mick, "taste," (outside of the fact I could get 30 beers for $12 in college and if I was going to end up drunk, frightened, and mostly perplexed in an elementary school jungle gym it didn't matter what beer got me there) is the exact reason I switched to Natural Light.
Bob Uecker, Rodney Dangerfield and John Madden - Miller Lite - Is that final Rodney swing and hole-in-one familiar to anyone else? Yeah, I'm talking to you Adam Sandler and more specifically you Happy Gilmore's final scene. For shame.
Pete Rose - MAJOR LEAGUE FRICKING BASEBALL - Don't let that dick on the national spelling bee fool you, the word origin for "Irony," is this 1985 television spot that Pete Rose does for MLB. "What problems do you speak of Pete?" Could it be GAMBLING (church lady voice)? Every time you watch this video, Bart Giamatti punches through this casket, climbs out of the ground and laughs until he dies again.
Kirby Puckett - Pinnacle Trading Cards - For first hand knowledge, ask that woman he sexually assaulted in a Minneapolis bathroom about his "Rifle for an arm."
Steve Garvey - Aqua Velva - Hey dick, this is why games take five damn hours and little kids get to bed on a school night at 3 am when they're parents take them to the ballpark. You're making commercial's while you're supposed to be hitting and distracting the catcher because he thinks he can get some strange because he wears the same cologne as you. You completely failed to mention that it's your perfectly square jaw and piercing blue eyes that get the ladies, not some aqua cologne that probably smells like a moose's taint.
Bruce Sutter, Mike Schmidt and Dave Parker - 7UP - Well Parker, I'm glad you're refreshed because that fly that you gave up on for a 7UP could have won your team the game. And you Schmidt, unfortunately your clever 7UP under home plate trick, is complete illegal and now you've disqualified your team. You're really going to feel like a dick now Schmity; Steve Carlton had a no-no going and I'm not sure he's above putting scorpion in your jockstrap.
Yogi Berra - Miller Lite - Yogi Berra, blah blah, clever contradictory saying, whatever, whatever. I don't care about that. Look at Jason Alexander's hair. This is the that toupee makers use to sway insecure bald people to actually buy a toupee. "You could look like video this loser in this 1987 Miller Lite spot. You like girls don't you? Boobs? Yes, Boobs. You can kiss them goodbye with your current head pubes."
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