I learned a couple things today and might be helpful for you and potentially me. First, and most importantly, if you fall asleep while in a jury, you get dismissed from that jury. That seems too easy. "This murder trial is really dragging on. I'd really like to get back to sleeping in until 11 and taking bong tokes until I pass out for that night at 3pm. Maybe if I just take a nap right here I'll get to go home." Nice justice system America.
I also learned that juror information is released in a way that allows you to attempt to guess who the jurors are. Let's take a look at the juror's bios and successfully identify each and every juror. Coincidentally, for the purposes of this article, they're all people you've heard of in sports or entertainment.
• Seat 2: Female. Plays golf. Not a baseball fan, but watches golf, tennis and the Super Bowl. Recently retired. Has worked at an association for psychologists and as an elementary school teacher.
Without doing a lot of digging, I'm fairly certain this is Annika Sorenstam. I had to connect the dots a bit to confirm she's not a baseball fan, but hear me out. Annika is an animal enthusiast and baseballs are made out of out of cow/horsehide. What self respecting animal lover could like a sport that uses a part of a dead animal as it's namesake? Watch out Rog, Annika is waving goodbye as you head to jail.
• Seat 3: Female. Program analyst with District of Columbia Department of Human Services since 2000. Took pre-law classes and considered going to law school. Never heard of Clemens and doesn't follow sports. Loves to read and bake.
Doesn't follow sports and loves to bake? Hello Paula Deen. No confirmation on the law school business from my end, but here's a potential reason why she didn't bother pursuing that law degree. I don't remember seeing any Yankees games on the food network, so here's another unsympathetic soul waiting to send Roger to the slammer.
• Seat 5: Male. Studied engineering and bioengineering at the University of Pennsylvania. Hockey fan. Likes long-distance running and working out. Knows a lot of people who took performance-enhancing drugs, but says PEDs were not for him. Thought 2008 congressional hearings on steroids were "excessive."
Likes long distance running? Knows a lot of people who took PEDs? The peloton you wore to the trial last week was a dead giveaway, Lance. Here's to hoping Roger gets a "not-guilty" out of his fellow long star state native.
• Seat 6: Female. Curatorial researcher at the Smithsonian, not a sports fan. On 2008 congressional hearings on steroids, she said, "At the time, I felt maybe that was not the best use of Congress' time when they have so many other things to deal with."
This is what I call staying in character. Diane Kruger relates so much to her Abigail Chase character in National Treasure 1 and 2 that she's reprising the role at the Roger Clemens trial. If she gets to read the verdict I'd bet she ends with, "And...Scene."
• Seat 7: Male. Heard of Clemens but said he couldn't identify what position he played. Testified before Congress several times, most recently on cyber legislation, representing financial sector. Now an official at the U.S. Treasury Department. Went to Yale School of Management.
I'm not so sure I agree with this jury appointment. I know President Barack Obama wants to push his economic agenda, but I don't believe that placing noted nerd and Treasury secretary Tim Geitner on the Clemens' jury is the way to do it. Just my personal opinion Barack.
• Seat 9: Male. Works as administrative assistant at Canadian Embassy (next door to the courthouse). Worked at life insurance company. Was a pre-med student at Howard University. Speaks French and Spanish. Not a baseball fan. Asked about Clemens' 2008 congressional testimony, said Clemens "seemed forthright."
Here's the only person in America that believed Roger Clemens was "forthright" at the 2008 congressional hearing. This is a guy who isn't even forthright about his natural hair color at age 45. The only person that could conceivably be stupid and Canadian enough to believe Roger was "forthright" and appreciate his tip frosting is Keanu Reeves.
• Seat 12: Male. Retired. Grew up in Germany, moved to U.S. at the age of 15 in 1946, which would make him about 80 years old. Taught political science at University of Massachusetts-Amherst for 25 years. Also taught at Smith. Didn't recognize Clemens' name; only sport he follows is soccer.
I've never been more certain of anything in my life that this is Dolph Lundgren. Dolph definitely grew up in Germany and based on the loose skin in this picture, he's at least 75. Thankfully for Roger, this is not a guy that's going to bat two eyelashes about steroid use.
• Seat 13: Female. Retiree. Active in effort to get voting rights for District of Columbia. Worked at U.S. Department of Transportation and Bureau of Public Debt. Said her husband told her, upon learning she might serve on this trial, "Get out of it, don't do it!" eliciting chuckle from Clemens.
Now I'm not sure about her work history, but if I think of a chick who's been a commercial about getting people to vote, I immediately think of Sarah Silverman. I haven't seen her in anything in a while, so I assumed she's retired, or at least not talented enough to continue her career (read: retired). I could also see her current/former husband Jimmy Kimmel making that hilarious joke about her getting out of jury duty.
• Seat 16: Female. Works in law enforcement with the Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority. Calls herself a "sharpshooter." When not working, sleeps and cooks a lot. Not a sports fan, and hadn't heard of Clemens.
I'll eat my hat if this isn't Clarice Starling from Silence of the Lambs. This picture scream sharpshooter and non-sports fan.
• Seat 15: Male. Says he grew up in River Edge, N.J., down the street from a house rented by New York Yankees stars Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris. Been going to gym since 1975. Knows people who use steroids. Calls it a "pretty stupid thing to do." Avid cyclist. Works as senior program analyst for Nuclear Regulatory Commission. Studied docket of Clemens case.
This one was almost too easy. Why don't you just publish the guy's name and address ESPN? Rounding out the jury is none other than Billy Paultz, pride of Rivers Edge, NJ. Nearly every NBA fan remembers "The Whopper" during his ABA/NBA career and knows what an avid cyclist he's become. It's no surprise that Billy studied a docket of the Clemens case. He was such a student of the game when he played I'd be more surprised if he didn't read it.
To be honest Roger, I think you're screwed. There are a lot of females on this jury with a lot of axes to grind. I'd plead this down to "Yes I perjured myself, but I'm really sorry about it," which carries a sentence of "unconvincingly apologize to all the jurors and their families members." Nice justice system, America.
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