Oliver, why are you doing this?
Why are you writing this incredibly foolish column? Why are you making bold and uncompromising predictions for seemingly no reason, demanding the wrath of the entire state of Indiana and of the internet? We ask again, why must you do this? Why must you tempt the armies of fate to march on your soul like a Greek heroine drowning in the River Styx?
Because sometimes in life, we are called to do something. And right now, I am called to say that the Boston Celtics are going to sweep the Indiana Pacers.