I am not a parent. Let's make that clear, for legal and ethical reasons. I am *not* a parent. But I did grow up a fan of Washington sports teams, which means I got more than enough versions of The Talk — why Dan Snyder doesn't want you to have nice things; why you should stop believing the Capitals are capable of holding a playoff series lead; why Gilbert Arenas will never beat LeBron James in anything important, ever; and so forth — to develop a passable imitation of my folks' hard-earned wisdom.
I was reminded of their real talk this past fall, when the Iowa football team came frighteningly close to an undefeated season, prompting a couple of good-hearted podcast hosts to offer help to those actual parents unsure of how to broach the topic with their confused, startled children.