Nick Saban has stated on many an occasion that he likes Florida Gators head coach Will Muschamp as much as he enjoys
Zumba Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies.
It's also no secret that Saban is considered the teacher and Mushcamp the student.
Maybe a Mr. Miyagi and Daniel LaRusso of sorts. Catching flies with chopsticks, painting entire fence - uuuuuuup, dooooowwwwwwn - waxing on and/or off. Yeah, the whole nine yards.
Since there have been rumblings as of late that the relationship may possibly be on the skids, I thought it would be a great idea to call BellSouth and ask for a written transcript of a call between the two coaches.
Not only did I get the transcript, but it actually contains explanations of what each coach was doing and intention behind the statements. That's why BellSouth will never be bought out by a large national phone company.
Nick called Muschamp at his home at 6:08 A.M. on Wednesday, September 28, 2011.
Don't tell anyone, but here it is. Enjoy.
NICK: [In a soft, deep and low early-morning voice] Hey, Will. It's Nick. [Plastic wrapper of Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pie crinkling in the background]
MUSCHAMP: [In a whiny teen voice] Whaaaaaat, Nick!?! [Sighing] Huuhhhhhhh!!!! I'm trying to watch the Start Tracks. This Dark Vader guy reminds me of you.
NICK: I think it's Star Wars... and Darth. Look, you need to turn off the television and get your studies, aight?
MUSCHAMP: [sighing again] Huhhhhhhhh. Come on! I don't have meetin's with my coaches until 6:30. The newspaper meanies are making fun of me because YOU wouldn't watch Starrrrrr...
NICK: [Interrupting] Wars.
MUSCHAMP: Yeah. Star Wars. You wouldn't watch it when it was my night to choose which movie we saw on team movie night when we were at LSU in 2002.
NICK: Excuse me?
MUSCHAMP: Don't act like you forgot. I picked the one where the good guys win...
NICK: Return of the Jedi
MUSCHAMP: Whatever! The point is the team would have learned a bunch from it and you talked me into getting Fried Green
NICK: [Mouth half-full of oatmeal creme pie sweetness] [You can hear Nick smiling through the phone] Heh. That Kathy Bates-Jessica Tandy tandem is unprecedented. [Nick's voice immediately transitions to passion and anger] NINNY'S STORY NEEDED TO BE TOLD, AIGHT! WE SHOULD ALL LONG FOR THE DAYS OF WHISTLE STOP, ALABAMA!
MUSCHAMP: [Silence.... T.V. can be heard in background]
NICK: Willy? You awake?
MUSCHAMP: Huh? What? Yeah. Yeah. I'm up. I'll be honest. Your screams that get progressively louder as you speak are like a lullaby. I'm sorry I disappointed you.
NICK: [Sniffing] It's... OK...
MUSCHAMP: Are you crying?
NICK: Of course not! [Clears throat] So what time does your mother wake up?
MUSCHAMP: Her fax machine you bought her is broken, so don't bother calling her.
NICK: Who broke it?!??!
MUSCHAMP: OK. My
diddy daddy did. Since you yelled at mama that day, she just ain't digging you right now, dog. Neither is Pops.
MUSCHAMP: Yeah, Nick. Wake up and smell Ed Orgeron's chest salve. It's 2011. That's how you relate to the kids. The peeps. I think it's why I have good recruiting so far down here in
NICK: Dude, you're crunked up.
[Muschamp and Nick pause and then laugh simultaneously. They both shake their heads and just sigh in that 1980s "OH, YOU SILLYHEAD" sitcom way]
MUSCHAMP: You are something else.
MUSCHAMP: Dang, it's 6:15. I gotta go.
NICK: OK. But hey, check your front door first, aight.
MUSCHAMP: [Will can be heard getting out of chair, then walking down hall, and opening front door] Nick?!?!?!?!
[Muffled sounds of uncontrollable sobbing and inaudible noises go on for two minutes while they hug it out. They separate and Nick holds out a gift]
MUSCHAMP: [Grabbing the gift. He unwraps it] RETURN OF THE JEDI ON BLU-RAY!?!?!?! But I don't have anything to play it...
NICK: [Interrupting and placing his right index finger on Will's lips and holding out a PS3 in his left hand] SHHHHHHHH! You do now, dog. You do now. Come on, William. This PS3 ain't gonna hook itself up, aight.
[Both coaches walk down the hall toward the living room. Nick has his arm around his young student. Those rascals.]
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