Quarter-By-Quarter Prediction of BCS Championship Game

The wait is finally over. The last time Alabama played, Atlanta Braves rookie Dale Murphy was moving from catcher to center field.

I'm not sure if you know this, but I've seen the promo DVD of the entire 2013 BCS Championship Game between No. 2 Alabama (12-1, 8-1 SEC) and No. 1 Notre Dame (12-0) that ESPN sent out to the biggest and best writers on the internet.

I stole one from Dan Wetzel while he was polishing Pulitzers and watched the entire thing three times.  This is what I saw -- quarter-by-quarter.

1st Quarter

Alabama kicked off to Notre Dame to begin the game. Brian Kelly can't hold his excitement and tells his team that he's taken the job with the Chicago Bears, causing a delay of game penalty before the first snap. The Miami media think it's awful and blames Saban.

Alabama holds Notre Dame to a three-and-out and the Irish are forced to punt from its own 23.  Christion Jones takes the punt at his own 38-yard line and races 62 yards right down the middle of the field for the touchdown and early 6-0 lead. The extra point makes it 7-0 and 'Bama is in business.

'Bama's excitement is short lived as Nick Saban decides this is a good time to break it to his players that he's taken the Notre Dame job... like, right now. Saban goes Catholic NWO on the entire state of Alabama and everybody's mama cries (in the trailer paaaaarrrrrrk). Those who know Elvis' In the Ghetto are probably laughing really hard right now. No? Oh. I thought it was really funny. Either way, Saban has left for Notre Dame and is making his way to the Irish sideline.

Saban rips off his 'Bama golf shirt and pleated khakis to reveal an all black priest suit. It is hideous, but the Notre Dame fans go bonkers. 'Bama fans are angered when their empty Diet Mountain Dew bottles only travel about four feet when they try to throw them at Saban as he puts his hand to his ear like Hulk Hogan. Saban draws a 15-yard taunting penalty. Saban picks the flag up, puts it back in the pocket of the referee and announces on the referee's lapel mic that there was no penalty on the play. The referee puts his head down and walks toward the sideline. A single tear falls to the turf of Sun Life Stadium.

We are now in the midst of pure and complete chaos. What does ESPN do now? All of their promos show Saban yelling while his Head-And-Shoulders hair bounces while wearing his crimson and pleated khaki pants.

There was a continuous clock rule that no one but the very rule-bread timekeeper knew about that kept the game clock running in the event that a coach or player "Went all NWO on the SEC."

At the end of one quarter, Alabama leads 7-0.

2nd Quarter

You'll never believe this, but Rudy ran down from the stands and hugged Nick Saban. It's the first player (former or present... or future) Saban has ever looked down to. Saban feeds Rudy a few treats and hands him a magic ring and sent him on his way.

Kirby Smart was named Alabama head coach at the end of the first quarter. Scott Cochran just holds up four fingers on each hand and yells, "YYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAH. IT'LL BE HERE SOON ENOUGH!!!! LEMME SEE THEM FOURS!!!!"

Nick Saban immediately wishes he could change his mind after Robert Lester picks off an Everett Golson pass at the ND 34-yard line to set up a 34-yard touchdown strike from AJ McCarron to Kenny Bell (who is wearing two boots, a cast, and is on crutches). Bell is still really fast.

The remainder of the half and all of the third quarter is just punts and tackling. Bama heads to the fourth quarter leading Notre Dame 14-0.

[caption id="attachment_937" align="alignright" width="300" caption=""FOOOOUUUUR!!! YEEEEEAAAAAH!!!" -Scott Cochran, when asked how many years are between the Olympics and World Cup. "][/caption]

4th Quarter

Scott Cochran can be overheard whispering to himself at various points of the fourth quarter, "My fours. They are counting my fours. One, twosie, threesie, four."

Notre Dame makes a threat with 8:23 to play in the game when they drive down to the Alabama 14-yard line. Golson drops back to pass and looks back to see what Saban said. Sadly, Golson turned to a pillar of salt. Saban instructed Golson to never look back and make eye contact with Him or he'd turn to salt. Golson didn't heed -- or understand any part of -- the instruction.


SPOILER ALERT -- Alabama tacks on a field goal and the final points of the night with 1:43 remaining for a 17-0 win.

Kirby Smart gets to hold the crystal ball, but Saban comes over and demands he put the ball down and not do any interviews. Kirby then says, "You ain't the boss of me no more," and invites Jim Neighbors (Gomer Pyle) up to the podium to celebrate with the team. The 'Bama fans in attendance go wild as Neighbors goes Gangnam Style while Saban exits the field whispering under his breath, "I hugged Rudy. This is my house. I hugged Rudy. This is my hizzie."

This was your hizzie, Nick. This was your hizzie.

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