Ahh, Black Friday. That magical day after Thanksgiving when we join together with our families to celebrate what the holidays are really all about: crass consumerism.
Sports fans can be tough to shop for, so we’ve picked out the best gifts out there to save you from having to actually think about what you’re going to buy your loved ones. Let’s get down to business:
For the Discerning Patriots Fan:
We can’t imagine why a mint condition rookie card would be going for so cheap – this is definitely going to appreciate in value when Hernandez breaks 1,000 yards this year, and…oh, what’s that? No way…really? Four people? Like, with a gun? Oh, wow. Wow. Moving right along.
For the Fun-Loving Dolphins Fan:
For an extra $20, Richie will call the family member of your choice and threaten to s*** in their mouth.
For the Optimistic Lakers Fan:
Gotta love that Dwight’s jumping higher here than he ever did in his mercifully short time in Los Angeles.
On a side note, what the hell is up with Dwight’s arm?
It looks like it was designed by someone who had never seen an arm before, but instead tried to sculpt one based on a second-hand story told by a drunk person.
You absolutely must buy this for the Lakers fan in your life. They’re $20, so you really have no excuse not to buy three or four.
For the Classy Cowboys Fan:
We’re not even sure what the best thing about this lamp is – the fact that it’s $69.95 (!?) or the fact that it supposedly adds a “touch of class” to your Dallas Cowboys fan cave.
For the Security-Minded Heat Fan
$99.99 is a small price to pay for knowing that if a home intruder makes their way into your house at night, they’ll instantly drop your valuables and flee at the sight of a basketball-wielding velociraptor.
For the Punctual Astros Fan:
A bargain imitation of a much nicer watch, you’ll give up on this piece of crap when it stops working after a month. We can’t think of a more authentic gift for your favorite Astros fan.
For the Cozy LSU Fan:
Ever wanted to look like a colorblind cult leader? Ever wondered how you could rock that look while telling the world you haven’t bathed or left your couch in weeks? Get your LSU snuggie today, and your dreams can become a reality. Geaux Tigers!
For the Tactful Ohio State Fan:
There’s nothing that says “I don’t really care for Michigan’s football program” like wiping your ass with it. For the disgruntled Michigan fans out there, we imagine the special-edition Brady Hoke rolls will be available in early 2014.
For the Proud Florida Fan:
A little something for the 4-7 Gator fan in your life. Who’s there? Not the bowl selection committee.
Speaking of bad financial investments for your favorite Gator fan, keep an eye on the 2014 Will Muschamp Football Camp, which DEFINITELY won’t get canceled after he gets canned and ends up coaching linebackers at Bucknell.
For the Tradition-Loving Notre Dame Fan
Don’t let the reviews fool you – this is one of the finest literary achievements of our time. Half The Da Vinci Code, half The Grapes of Wrath, Weis has written a spellbinding tale of love, loss, and offensive schemes that work much better in theory than they do against USC.
For the Scent-Conscious Alabama Fan
No, these don’t combine top notes of Jim Beam with middle notes of possum and funnel cake – they actually sound like they smell pretty nice.
“A subtle scent reminiscent of Alabama’s soothing weather, this cologne opens with Cold Water Accord intertwined with Fresh Apple Peel, then blends Crisp Fennel, Crushed Juniper Berry, Frozen Cilantro, and Elemi Leaf for an invigorating burst of freshness.” Roll Tide!
…the doors open at 4 AM. Happy shopping, sports fans!