#1 LSU vs. #2 Alabama is your quintessential immovable object vs. irresistible force scenario. By all indications they’re the best two teams in college football by a wide margin. It’s almost like it’s easier to have a great team when you can sign 30-70 kids per recruiting class, hand out medical redshirts like handies at a fraternity rager, and kick kids off scholarship and out of their dorm room after getting them to campus, because you realized you had a faster, stronger, better option.
With all my vitriol spit, let’s break down this matchup, and by “break down,” I mean compare this game to other epic matchup in history (fake TV/Movie history included). Only through comparison, and youtube, can we really put this fantastic game into context. Are any of these showdown even close to as epic as what me might witness on Saturday night? (In case you’re wondering, I’m speaking not just about the game, but also Redneck vs. alcohol poisoning, since the game starts at 8 pm and they started tailgating 3 weeks ago)
(h/t to Jake Roland for most of these ideas)
Godzilla vs. Mothra – In the epic showdown category, it doesn’t get much better than a giant mutant lizard fighting a giant mutant moth. As always, the people of Japan are on the wrong end of this one. At some point you’d think they’d just move. If you move-in next to a frat house, you don’t expect the Alpha Betas to keep the music low on Friday and Saturday, you know what you’re getting in to. Similarly, if I lived next to a 50 story terror-bringing lizard, I wouldn’t expect him to learn manners, be civil, and not destroy my power plants, I’d probably just move.
Hulk Hogan vs. The Ultimate Warrior – I can honestly say this was the seminal moment of my childhood. 8th grade graduation? No. First kiss? Didn’t happen until next year. Parent’s divorce? Nope, got 2 Christmases out of it. No dear reader, two shirtless, pantless, sweaty men bear hugging each other took the cake. I guess that first kiss business is becoming more clear.
Frank Dux vs. Chong Li - And Forrest Whitaker almost ruined everything…I’ve distrusted every Thai person, Thai eatery, and Thai stick that I’ve run into since then.
Zoolander vs. Hansel – If the world could just end all conflicts this way we’d save a lot of lives and lose a ton of underwear. I’m looking at you Isreal and Palestine. Roll up your jilbabs and get to steppin’.
Mighty Ducks vs. Team Iceland – I can’t look at Reed, Portman, Banks and Gaffney with out feeling a sense of nationalism on par with what they must have felt in WWII Axis Power countries, without the bloodlust or blind hate.
Other awesome articles you are sure to love:
The Detroit Lions Do Some Tebowing While Embarrassing Tebow
The Best Jukes College Football has to Offer (Potentially Feat. Mike Hart)
Will Gholston Highlights The All-Cheap Shot Team
College Football Fans and Their Ridiculous Tattoos
Craig Jones (Ice Cube) vs. Deebo – This movie proved that good could triumph over evil and that the little guy could truly beat the big guy, assuming he hit the bigger guy in the face with a brick.
Ice Box vs. Spike – Little Giants – Nearly as epic as this showdown is how good ol’ IB looks these days.
Hold my Dick Kid vs. Skinny Bully – This much comeuppance hasn’t been given in one place in a viral video since that grape lady fell off the stage and injured her leg. If you weren’t aware, she was a tax cheat and she never let other drivers into traffic yet was the first one to chisel in a merging situation.
Mike “The Situation” vs. A Concrete Wall – I took a lot of joy from Mike jamming his head into a concrete wall and concussing himself. The only non-rewarding thing about this brain injury is that he is no stupider or less rational as a result. Normally you have to worry about the after-effects of a concussion, but in this case the concusee is already is dumb as any human could possibly get.
Gizmo vs. Gremlins - This adorable little scamp pretty much saved your life and the lives of the rest of human race. There’s fanfare for Gizmo these days, only stuff animals and figurines which go at garage sales for 50 cents or even worse, go unsold and un-loved. Forshame America.
Scrooge McDuck vs. Flintheart Glomgold – I think my first feelings of hate were felt for Glomgold, or Ravishing Rick Rude, I know those two hateful feelings happened around the same time.
Jimmy Woods vs. Lucas Barton – My first hate feelings would have been for Lucas, if he didn’t wear the shit out of that power glove.
Simba vs. Scar – There are no un-avenged deaths in Disney movies, Scar should have thought about that before offing Mufasa.
Jordan vs. The Monstars – I think you can argue, based on the fact that Jordan saved the earth from certain doom with this win, that this was Michael Jordan’s most important victory. His next most important victory will be to stop being a smug asshole, when and if it ever happens. Third through eighth most important victories will be the championship.
Lloyd Christmas vs. Entire Kitchen Staff – This entire video is worth a watch, but Jim Carrey pulling out a still-beating heart is the highlight.
RoboCop vs. Boddicker & Jones (1:05-30) – You deserve exactly what you got Red Forman. Topher Grace is a gentle soul and you deserve to be killed by Robocop for what you did to him. Wait, those are different shows?
Let me know if I missed any other epic showdowns in the comments.