The New England Patriots and the Philadelphia Eagles are playing in Super Bowl LII this Sunday in Minnesota and that's been a bit of a problem for everyone outside of either team's fan base.
Super Bowl LII: a Sophie's Choice of unimaginable douchebaggery.
It's like playing a sadistic game of would you rather, where one of your choices is pushing bamboo shoots under your fingernails or watching that turtle scene from the Master of Disguise on an endless loop while sitting in one of those aversion therapy setups from A Clockwork Orange.
On the surface, watching Dana Carvey pretend to be a turtle-man might seem far preferable to bamboo torture, but let me remind you: the scene is nearly two and a half minutes long and it ends with Carvey retreating into his shell, biting off a dude's nose, spitting it back onto his face, and then laughing maniacally while spinning around on his "shell.