NFL Mock Drafts...what can you say about them? They are like one really excruciatingly long opinion and you know what they say about opinions - they're like a$$holes, everyone has them and they all stink. Only problem with Mock Drafts is it's not just one opinion its 32 different opinions that's like...32 butts!
That being said, here's my long-winded (hehe, see what I did there?) Mock Draft that will most assuredly be wrong 99% of the time especially after Free Agency starts tomorrow.
1. Kansas City Chiefs - This one I'm fairly confident about because Adam Schefter has tweeted it. Formerly known as the "Adam Schefter of San Marcos" I'm going to trust his inside sources. Luke Joekel, OT, Texas A&M.
2. Jacksonville Jaguars - Jacksonville hired a defensive head coach and cut both starting defensive backs. So i'm going out on a limb and saying Cornerback is a need. Dee Milliner, CB, Alabama.
3. Oakland Raiders - The best player in the draft falls to the Raiders at a need spot. How's that for luck that Oakland has been desperately needing. If Al Davis were still alive he'd probably try to draft the "Honeybadger" here. Shariff Floyd, DT, Florida.
4. Philadelphia Eagles - The Eagles are switching to a 3-4 and just hired former Oregon Head Coach, Chip Kelly. He goes to his deep well at the O and gets his pass rusher. Dion Jordan, DE/OLB, Oregon.
5. Detroit Lions - Detroit's defensive line went from a strength to a weakness about as fast as Brandon Knight became the poster for posterization. Ezekiel Ansah, DE/OLB, BYU.
6. Cleveland Browns - If Cleveland figures out their QB situation they have the talent to challenge for a Wild Card spot in the inferior AFC...but it's the Browns so don't hold y0ur breath. Bjoern Werner, DE, Florida State.
7. Arizona Cardinals - Reports are that Kevin Kolb will take a pay cut and the Cardinals are interested in bringing in Matt Cassell to compete for the job...Are you done laughing yet? Seriously...stop laughing. Okay, now I'm laughing. Tears of joy are pouring out of my eyes. I haven't laughed this hard since "The Butt Fumble". Geno Smith, QB, West Virginia.
8. Buffalo Bills - The Bills get the most explosive receiver in the draft to pair next to Stevie Johnson. Only problem is Ryan Fitzpatrick is throwing them the ball. Cordarelle Patterson, WR, Tennessee.
9. New York Jets - The Jets need a pass rusher. Oh, they also need a QB, RB, OL, WR's, TE, DL, LB, S and a probably a new Head Coach. So....Championship! Jarvis Jones, DE/OLB, Georgia.
10. Tennessee Titans - One of the best players in the draft, but a heart condition will have him drop to #10 and be a steal for the Titans who know how to develop linemen. Now if only he could teach Jake Locker to throw to his team. Star Lotuleilei, DT, Utah
11. San Diego Chargers - Steal of the draft? Last year the Chargers were innovators. They decided to just use two offensive linemen the whole year. Oops, they actually put a whole offensive line out there? Yikes. Eric Fisher, OT, Central Michigan.
12. Miami Dolphins - The Dolphins are going to spend a bunch of money to put talent around Ryan Tannehill although he's got a pretty good eye for talent. Knowing the Dolphins they will overpay to resign Jake Long. If not - Lane Johnson, OT, Oklahoma.
13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Seriously, why is Buccaneer so hard to spell? 2 c's and 2 e's but only 1 n? C'mon, they should just be called the Pirates so I can freaking spell it right the first time. Thank God for spellcheck. Xavier Rhodes, CB, Florida State.
14. Carolina Panthers - The Panthers secondary is not very good so they grab the best safety in the draft. I still think Cam Newton should play Safety. Kenny Vaccaro, S, Texas.
15. New Orleans Saints - The Saints were the worst defensive team in the NFL by like 9 football fields last year. Mr. Banks should help. Wait, is this Carlton Banks' son? The Saints will now break down their huddle doing "The Carlton". Johnthan Banks, CB, Mississippi St.
16. St. Louis Rams - The Rams are probably going to lose Danny Amendola, so they replace him with the best slot receiver in the draft. Tavon Austin, WR, West Virginia.
17. Pittsburgh Steelers - The Steelers are old and over the cap. They need to get younger ever where. They start at pass rush after cutting James Harrison. Damontre Moore, DE/OLB, Texas A&M.
18. Dallas Cowboys - The Cowboys wanted to draft a Sports Psychologist here so they can hypnotize Tony Romo into throwing to his own team. Alas, they didn't want to reach. Chance Warmack, OG, Alabama.
19. New York Giants - The Giants try to bounce back off a disappointing season and they do wonders bringing in new defensive line help. Sheldon Richardson, DT, Missouri.
20. Chicago Bears - The Bears can't block DJ Fluker, OT, Alabama
21. Cincinnati Bengals - Cinci comes in second place on hard words to spell in the NFL. I could've sworn there were two T's! The Bengals need a corner opposite Leon Hall. Desmond Trufant, CB, Washington.
22. St. Louis Rams (via Washington) - The Rams second first round pick is a good one. Getting arguably the best OG in the draft. The NFC West is gonna be so good for the next 10 years. My heart cannot take this. Jonathan Cooper, OG, North Carolina.
23. Minnesota Vikings - After trading one of the most dynamic and head scratching talents in the NFL, Percy Harvin. The Vikes starting WR are currently Jarius Wright, Greg Childs, and D'Vinegar Heffington. I made up one of those names and it was so fun! Keenan Allen, WR, California.
24. Indianapolis Colts - The Colts can't get in a shootout every game although it worked out last year for Andrew Luck and Indy. Barkevious Mingo, DE/OLB, LSU.
25. Minnesota Vikings (via Seattle) - Minnesota this is where I say how much I despise you right now. You made out pretty good in the Percy Harvin trade, but why you gotta trade him to the Seahawks? The best up-and-coming rivalry in the NFL is getting ridiculous. Time to start drinking. Johnathan Hankins, DT, Ohio State.
26. Green Bay Packers - The Packers never recovered from losing Safety Nick Collins to a neck injury. They draft the second best safety in the class. Now Golden Tate has a new Packer he can catch to win a game. Matt Elam, S, Florida.
27. Houston Texans - Versatility in the NFL is one of the most important factors. The Texans get a corner that can convert into a safety just in case they lose Glover Quinn. David Amerson, CB/S, North Carolina State.
28. Denver Broncos - A potential top 10 pick before a season ending injury. Could be one of the best pass rushers in the draft. Tank Carradine, DE, Florida State.
29. New England Patriots - It's no secret the Patriots love tight ends. They love them so much that on their 53 man roster they'd have 52 TE's and Tom Brady if they had their druthers. Tom Brady loves TE's so much he'd give his own UGGs to them. Lucky bastards! Tyler Eifert, TE, Notre Dame.
30. Atlanta Falcons - I assume the Falcons will sign RB Stephen Jackson and if Tony Gonzalez doesn't return then the TE position is their biggest need. The Patriots find out that the Falcons are interested and offer every pick for him. Zach Ertz, TE, Stanford.
31. San Francisco 49ers - The 49ers will have 15 picks (!) in this draft and have a roster that allows like 6 players to make it. So....trade up is probably going to happen. Everyone thinks that the secondary is the weakness, but the pass rush is what hurt them in the playoffs. Datone Jones, DE, UCLA.
[UPDATE: The 49ers just traded for Anquan Boldin for a 6th round pick. I am giddy...in the pants]
32. Baltimore Ravens - The Ravens have a big whole in the middle of their defense after the cheater and alleged murderer, Ray Lewis retired. Think I'm bitter much? Alec Ogletree, ILB, Georgia.
Have any questions, gripes, criticism? Well then write your own damn Mock Draft!
- Lance Cartelli
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