Last week, literally 10s of you read our think-piece on the most epic showdowns of all-time. In that case we wanted to highlight the fantastic LSU / Alabama game. With that game and the accompanying media coverage passed, most of us have very little to live for. What do you do with your life after the game of the century is over? The game was hyped to the point that I beleive it would be the seminal moment of my life. I was certain after something so epic, the rapture would come. It was time to go heaven's gate and slap on the Nikes, drink the kool-aid and wait for the mothership. But after LSU's 9-6 victory, the silence was defeaning. It turns out it was just a football game, which shook redneck America to it's core.
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After the game, many of us turned to a life of drugs and crime. Drugs and crime led to prostitution, which inevitably led to sports blogging, so I was lucky enough to end back at square one. How do we put the pieces back together you ask? We take a look at the exact opposite thing we looked at last week. Let's take a foray into the unexceptional, the anti-epic, to look at this week's UNLV - New Mexico game. It's safe to say this game is in the running for least epic showdown of all time. Let's take a look at the numbers:
UNLV (2-6) vs. New Mexico (0-9)
2011 OVERALL FBS RANKINGS
PASSING YARDS
New Mexico - 99th Overall
UNLV - 115th Overall
POINTS FOR
New Mexico - 120th Overall (there are only 120 teams in FBS)
Utah - 115th Overall
POINTS AGAINST
New Mexico -45.6 -120th Overall (still only 120 teams)
UNLV - 41.5 118th Overall
This should be an absolute barn burner. The first touchdown will be scored by the team who doesn't put their helmets on backwards before leaving the tunnel. Certainly this is a less than epic matchup, but is it the least epic? Let's explore.
Celebrity Boxing - Screech vs. Horshack - Try to watch that video without feeling sorry for both people in the ring and yourself. Continue to watch and try not to just feel bad for yourself.
Least Epic Hockey Fight Ever - The eyes of Canada were on these two men. The nation's capitol faced off what was once almost a renegade nation. Like Quebec's secession plan, this fight never really started and like the eyes of everyone else who watched hockey, the eyes of Canada were closed and positioned above their gaping, snoring mouths in REM sleep.
Least Epic Hurdles Race of All-Time - Future daughter: This is why you'll only be allowed to play golf. No one cares about golf and therefore no one will be there with a video camera to chronicle your inevitable terribleness that will undoubtedly flow from my inherent athletic terribleness.
Least Epic Stallone Fight - Huge budget + Wesley Snipes - Tax evation + Stallone should be sweet, but instead it's terrible. Unbelievable paradox.
Least Epic Bloodsport Fight - This was really hard for me to put on this list because I love this movie. However, there was cheating in this first fight, and Van Damme had his shirt on, so I'm not sure what's to like.
Least Epic TV Fight from your Childhood - If they would have done this shirtless, with pillows, it would have been several times less homo-erotic.
Least Epic Showdown Between Very Fast People - I can't remember if Michael Johnson was ever let into America after this disaster. I hope not, because several gold medals, world records and gold shoes doesn't wash away the stain of losing to a Canadian in a non-hockey, non-curling sporting event.
Let me know if I missed any particularly pathetic showdowns in the comments.
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