By now you have seen that beloved Michigan basketball great Glen Rice may or may not have got all up in our almost vice president Sarah Palin. Honestly, this isn't really breaking news. I knew this went down for years (and not just because my mom is Sarah Palin and my dad is Glen Rice) because I assumed that Glen Rice banged everything in the Western Hemisphere in the late 80's and early 90's. "Yeah baby, I'm the all time leading scorer in a single NCAA tournament," worked almost as well as "Yeah baby, I can introduce you to Rony Seikaly."
You can bet your bottom dollar that there are hundreds of periodicals burned the midnight oil to parse their sports sections with Rice "taking it to the whole," and Palin "doing it from downtown," and Rice "playing a match-up zone defense (If you have to ask, you don't want to know)." They're uncreative hacks and you're very lucky to have me. I don't report stories about politicians banging, I break them.
Below are 8 hook-ups on which that do-nothing Inquirer refused to perform due-diligence. I am almost certain that none of these actually happened, but time and circumstance may have brought these disparate characters together. I've listed the time, colleges and pro-sports teams for which these politicians and athletes played for respectively. The pairs were in the same city at the same time and we can only hope they actually hooked up. Next time you hear about a Ruth Bader Ginsberg sex scandal story on TMZ, think of me.
1968 - Bill Russell and Hilary Clinton
Boston Celtics - Wellesly University - Hilary was just a supple Wesllesly co-ed in 1968 when Bill was winning the 10th championship. Russell was at least as politically active as Hilary and I believe that's what drew them together one hot night in Boston. The political discussion (Hilary was president of the young republicans) was almost as hot as their fiery passions.
1962 - Nancy Pelosi - Johnny Unitas
Trinity Washington University - Baltimore Colts - Just like today, it seems that every picture taken of a young Nancy Pelosi trumpets her babeness to the world. And just like today, no red blooded American could resist Nancy, especially American QB hero and the template for my hair cut, Johnny Unitas. Johnny was touring our nation's capital after a game against the Redskins and Nancy was protesting the Vietnam War on the National Mall. The rest, as they say is...really disgusting if you think about it.
1955 - Ruth Bader Ginsburg (that's the picture that google returns if you type in Ruth Bader Ginsburg young into a google search) - Mickey Mantle, Roger Maris
Cornell - New York Yankees - It's amazing to think that if you wanted to make up a really hot story about Ginsburg having a three-some with professional sports stars from when she was a college student, you can to go all the way back to the Mick and Maris.
1945 - Barbara Bush - Ted Williams
Smith College - Boston Red Sox - I think you have to chalk this one up to the Splendid Splinter being on shore leave and not having seen anything except dudes for several years during WW II. Are you telling me you wouldn't be pleased if one of your less impressive bar hook-ups turned out to be the first lady? I'd be happy if my less impressive bar hookups just turned out to be a woman, or mostly a woman. First lady seems like a lot to ask.
1980 - Elena Kagan - Bernard King
Princeton College - New Jersey Nets - You've no doubt heard a lot about the late 70's drug culture in the NBA. Look below and see the consequences. This your weiner on drugs kids.
1980 - Michelle Bachman - Marcus Dupree
Oral Roberts Law School - Oklahoma Football - Watch that 30 for 30 and tell me that this might not have actually happened. Everyone in that state wanted a piece of Marcus in 1980, who could blame Michelle?
1975 - Condoleeza Rice - Rudy Ruettiger
Notre Dame Law School - Notre Dame Football - Rudy gave a ton of effort on and off the football field and when he saw something he wanted, whether that be a spot on the football team or the future secretary of state, he went for it. "Yeah honey, I have met Joe Montana and if you play your cards right, (wink wink) I may be able to get you a game used jersey." By any mean necessary Rudy.
1987 - Michelle Obama - Doug Flutie
Harvard Law School - New England Patriots - I don't care if she was married to Barack at this point, no one in New England was resisting that flow. Not the entire Patriot cheerleader staff after a team happy hour, not every wife in the 1987 Celtics starting line-up besides Larry Bird's, and certainly not Michelle. I don't know about you but I can't get the thought of Doug Flute throwing a "hail mary to Michelle Obama," or "sending her deep," or "penetrating her line of scrimmage," or "playing a base 46 (if you have to ask, you really do want to know)."
There you have it, eight earth shattering hook-up stories made up broken right on chatwolverines.com. The ball is in your court National Inquirer.