Cincinnati faces Pittsburgh tonight in a battle of teams who used to matter in college football. The starting QB for the Bearcats has a first name that could easily be a verb describing his abilities to satisfy co-stars on the set of an adult movie: Munchie.
As you watch tonight’s amazing matchup of Big East powers, we present you the 2012 College Football Porn Star Name Team.
11. Matthew Fuchs, OL Florida: The undersized walk-on Gator OL has a name that gets right to the point and tells the ladies exactly what you can expect out of him.
“Director, tell me about my co-star.”
“Well, Matthew Fuchs.”
“Sounds like my kind of guy.”
10. Sterling Lovelady, OL Florida State: Using a first name that says “I’m a throwback to the 70′s heyday of adult films” Sterling picked his last name in an effort to describe his sensual skills on set with his co-stars. There is nothing rough and quick about it, Sterling Lovelady moves at a slow pace and delivers passion in his performances.
9. Jack Snowball, RB, Miami (Ohio): Though the “snowball” move is no longer acceptable in mainstream adult films, Jack made his name on that move and has too strong of a household name to change it. This is a lesson to all future football porn names, never name yourself after a fad move like the snowball, the steamer or the Dirty Sanchez.
8. Fudge Van Hooser, S, Tulane: A performer in alternative films, Fudge is one of the best “catchers” in the industry.
6. Montee Ball, RB, Wisconsin: The Heisman candidate has decided to expand his horizons and do Spanish language films this fall. To fit in with his target audience, he changed his name from “Mon-tee” to “Mon-TAY” to sound more exotic for his Spanish audience. In keeping his last name the same, Montee said “Ball means the same in ALL languages.”
5. Happiness Osunde, DB, Texas Tech: When asked how he came up with his porn star name, Happiness said simply: “Happiness is when you do something you love for work, meaning it really isn’t work at all. Happiness is what I have had in my life since starting my career in the “film” industry, so why not pick that as a name.”
4. Hunter Hollowed, OL, Hawaii: Trying to capitalize on the “real situations” craze of the industry, Hunter modeled his acting career after the famed “Croc Hunter” Steve Irwin. “In my films, I hunt my co-stars down, speak to them in a sexy Australian accent, and it seems to work just as well as the real Croc Hunter. I even use the term CRIKEY to let the audience know that the film is about to end.”
2. Clay Johnson, WR, Georgia: After a freak shark bite accident in 2005, Johnson,first name formerly Harold, changed his first name to adequately match the new prosthetic organ that doctors were able to give him in order to return to work as a film actor in his chosen field. While uncomfortable at times, the ‘Clay’ has given him a cult following in the industry.
1. Munchie Legaux, QB, Cincinnati: His goal is to make the work environment as pleasurable for his co-stars as possible. Former Co-stars nicknamed him Munchie for his prowess to selflessly perform his duties with his co-stars. Munchie asks for nothing in
return, but he gets it.