GREETINGS, EARTH CITIZENS. AT LONG LAST WE HAVE REACHED THE CULMINATION OF YET ANOTHER COLLEGE FOOTBALL SEASON, AND WITH IT, OUR INTENTIONS BECOME THAT MUCH CLOSER TO BEING REALIZED.
THERE IS ALSO THE SUBJECT OF THE FINAL RESULTS OF THIS ITERATION OF OUR EXPERIMENT. FOR NOW IT HAS ENDED, AND THE TIME HAS COME TO TABULATE THEM IN ORDER TO BESTOW UPON YOU SOME SORT OF TRIVIAL GRATIFICATION. YOU HAVE ALL PERFORMED..... IN A MANNER CONSISTENT WITH OUR EXPECTATIONS OF YOU. NOT ONE OF YOU EVEN APPROACHED ACCURATELY PREDICTING OUR PLANS, NOR DID ANY OF YOU EVEN ACHIEVE A WEEK’S WORTH OF PERFECTION.