31 Songs for 31 Teams

In my opinion there is absolutely no better time to make a judgment on a baseball team's fortunes for the next 6 months than when 1/10th of the baseball season has been completed. Since this is obviously a completely fruitless effort in terms of actual analysis, I've decided to at least make it fun. I've found one song in the billboard top 100 for each of the 31 teams. That song perfectly (read: tenuously) corresponds to the present and future fortune's of each of the 31 teams. It was especially difficult to come up with a song for our Tigers as I'm eternally optimistic or pessimistic depending on the second of the day. Here goes and let me know what you think in the comments.

AL East

NY Yankees - The Show Goes On - Lupe Fiasco - Another year, another World Series contending Yankees squad. Pitching is the biggest question for the $202 million dollar juggernaut but early returns from AJ Burnett and the belief that Phil Hughes is better than his 13+ ERA should keep Yankees fans confident.

Toronto Blue Jays - The Lazy Song - Bruno Mars - Whenever I think about the Blue Jays I want to take a nap. When in the last 15 years has anyone other than Cito Gaston believed this team has a chance to win their division? It's a foregone conclusion that they'll win between 82-87 games. Bless their hearts, they never really give Toronto fans hope either as their normally safely out of striking distance by August 15th. As many a tortured fan knows, that's actually a hell of a quality in a team.

Baltimore Orioles - Let Me Down Easy - Billy Currington - Speaking of bless their hearts, those Baltimore Orioles wasted no time squandering their hot start and letting their fans know there is nothing to see here until next April. Nothing like starting 6-1 and then losing 8 straight to let your fans down easy. The only bright spot thus far is Mark Reynolds is only on pace for 162 strikeouts rather than his typical figure that necessitates scientific notation.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays - What the Hell - Avril Lavigne - Aside from being a power ballad (watch out Grammys, here comes Avril), this song's title must describes all 45 of the Rays fan's thoughts so far this year. Manny retired, Johnny Damon is currently the team's power hitter and Joe Maddon is forced to do terribly scripted Vitamin spots presumably due to a nasty coke habit that's likely the result of the points at the beginning of this sentence.

Boston Red Sox - F You - Cee Lo Green - What every Boston fan has said to anyone who's questioned their start. Delightful people.

AL Central

Cleveland Indians - Rocketeer - Far East Movement - The Indians have played the role of Rocketeer, going from 93 losses to division leader to begin the season. Travis Hafner has come back from a soul searching trip to the Himalayas (probably, why else was he gone so long?) and he's raking right now, which probably has something to do with high altitude breathing techniques. Justin Masterson also looks great early which may or may not have something to do with a trip to an equally venerable mountain range and its inhabitants.

Kansas City - Look At Me Now - Chris Brown - - Alex Gordon is staring to play like he doesn't want to have to study for the series 66 and work for Ameritrade after this season. I'd say its the most promising career turn-around since...Chris Brown. Coincidence? For Alex and Alex's girlfriend's sake I hope not.

Chicago White Sox - Price Tag - Jessie J - After years of re-using un-used cheese from stadium nachos and scouring the Cell for loose change after games, Kenny Williams was given the checkbook to the tune of a 130 million dollar payroll. Time will tell whether the loosened purse strings that brought in Adam Dunn, Jesse Crain and Jake Peavy (last year) will be a formula for success or an exploding Ozzie Guillen cranium.

Detroit Tigers - Fall For Our Type - Jamie Foxx feat. Drake - I always fall for the Tigers whether they're pitching or hitting deficient and the worse case scenarios swirling in my head paint them as both this year. The hope is that Porcello and Penny can become competent back-end starters and someone other than Miguel Cabrera remembers to bring a bat to the plate. Time will tell if the team I fall for breaks my heart again.

Minnesota Twins - Down on Me - Jeremih Feat. 50 Cent - "No one believes in you Twins." "You can't possibly win with your lack of a ace and an injured Joe Mauer." They've heard all that before, but believe me, Ron Gardenhire doesn't make yearly deals with personifications of evil in different religions (Hello Beelzebub) and drink the blood of innocents in the off-season so he can lose this division. This team is cosmically destined to be in the hunt come October so don't you dare count them out, lest Ron comes for the souls of your loved ones.

AL West

LA Angels - You Killin' Em - Fabolous - Dan Haren and Jared Weaver have got off to one of the finest starts by a starting pitcher tandem in MLB history. I'm also certain that the combined 70 wins that they're on pace for would be some sort of baseball record. Finally we can erase Christy Matthewson and that cocky SOB Cy Young from the record books.

Texas Rangers - All The Lights - Kanye West - They aren't sneaking up on anyone this year and "all the lights," are fixed on Arlington. Only the third base coach sending more of their star players in dangerous third-to-home situations can derail this season. Those situations include, but are not limited to, sending home Adrian Beltre with alligators patrolling a moat between third and home in Tampa or sending Elvis Andrus home with Ozzie Guillen in full lucha libre regalia, with the ball, ready to block the plate in Chicago.

Oakland Athletics - Rolling in the Deep - Adele - I must state unequivocally that I love Gio Gonzalez. Control issues notwithstanding, which is saying something since he walked 8 guys, he was absolutely dazzling in a loss to the Tigers last week. Brett Anderson, Brandon McCarthy, Dallas Braden and Trevor Cahill round out an deep staff that's sure to entertain hundreds of fans at the Coliseum until the team is forced to package one or five of them to the Yankees for the rights to Mariano Rivera's shower shoes and Alex Rodriguez's latest ex-girlfriend (with Cameron Diaz protection).

Seattle Mariners - The Cave - Mumford & Son - Seattle Fans: Find a cave, live in it, don't watch Mariner baseball and pray that a kind businessman from Oklahoma City acquires an interest in baseball.

NL East

Philadelphia Phillies - Sure Thing - Miguel - With Halladay, Hamel, Oswalt and Lee anything less than World Series victory is a disappointment for this team. They're no sure thing to do that, but they're definitely the prohibitive favorite to win NL East and Vegas' choice to make it out of the NL.

Florida Marlins - Who Says - Selena Gomez feat. The Scene - First and foremost, this chick is dating Beiber, which is more impressive than anything I, and most likely you, will accomplish in our lifetimes. As for the song's title, who says the Marlins can't keep it interesting in the NL East this year? Who says you can't immediately dump any reasonable major leaguer (not named Hanley Ramirez) that you develop and still be around .500 every single year? I just feel bad for all the Pirates fans that have to look at the Marlins and notice that despite similar managerial strategies, the Marlins don't lose 200 games each year.

Washington Nationals - A Little Bit Stronger - Sarah Evans - There will be a Strasburg and a Harper eventually and in the meantime there is a Werth making 15 mil a year and a Hernandez that fought at the Bay of Pigs. Magnanimous Washington management has decided to open up the pocketbook this year in an attempt to not be the Pirates. Bless their hearts, I guess the free stadium they got from Washington taxpayers has finally started to wear on their conscience. Free $611 million dollar cash machines occasionally do that to people, but only have 5 or 6 years.

Atlanta Braves - Where You At - Jennifer Hudson - You just have to love Jason Heyward. The only people that don't end up in a someone else's kitchen with Chris Hansen and a camera crew asking them to "take a seat." I also like Atlanta pitching staff with Jurgens, Hudson and Tommy Hanson due for a bounce back year. When they find where they're at a la J. Hud they'll challenge the Phils in the East.

New York Mets - On The Floor - J Lo - Are you aware that the Mets employ Jason Isringhausen? Do I need to say anything more about this team? Can you think of Jason Isringhausen without thinking of Cal Eldred? Can a military tribunal be held to punish Omar Minaya (post-firing) for this roster? Where is Gregg Jeffries right now? Does Isringhausen have his phone number?

NL Central

Cincinnati Reds - Hustle Hard - Ace Hood - No one expected the 2010 Reds to do anything accept finally give Dusty Baker the vertical stripes his expanding midsection had been calling for for years. Edinson Volquez is a key piece for the Reds after virtually 2 years on the DL and he, and the rest of the squad will have to hustle hard to keep contract-year-Pujols and the Cardinals at bay.

St. Louis Cardinals - Mean - Taylor Swift - It's mean that Adam Wainwright is out for an extended period of time. It's mean to fans that Albert Pujols and management couldn't avoid this contract distraction that will hang over the team's (and Albert's) head the entire season. Also mean, in the way the kids say it, is Lance Berkman. Sure, at 35, he still looks like the fat 12 year old in the LLWS that hits bombs off the regular kids, but right now he's treating MLB pitching like their 12 year olds with legit birth certificates. If the Reds revert to their mean and the Cards' patchwork pitching staff holds up, they have a great chance in the Central.

Pittsburgh Pirates - I Can't Love You Back - Easton Corbin - Hard to blame Pittsburgians for not caring at all about this perennial loser. PNC's energy and noise levels are currently set to "library" with a high probability that they'll be at "inside of a casket" or "surface of the moon" by season's end.

Milwaukee Brewers - I Won't Let Go - Rascal Flatts - The Brewers are a couple years removed from the playoffs, but there are still reasons for optimism. With Ryan "The Hebrew Hammer" Braun and Prince Fielder the offense should be more than serviceable as long as Rickie Weeks stops swinging at the everything including the return throw from catcher to pitcher. Shawn Marcum should continue to be a bright spot now that starts against the Red Sox and Yankees will be replaced by starts against the Pirates, Astros and Cubs.

Chicago Cubs - S&M - Rihanna - Because anyone who continues to follow this team with optimism is in to leather whips, nipple clamps and whatever else the gimp in Pulp Fiction was wearing.

Houston Astros - Somewhere Else - Toby Keith - Here's the answer to the question, "Where would you like to be right now," if you were to pose it to any of the 11k people at a sweaty late July inter-division tip between the Cubs and Astros later this season.

NL West

Colorado Rockies - ET - Katy Perry feat. Kanye - They're playing out of this world (forgive me) and with strong pitching, a potent offense and experience you'd have to expect them to be a factor in October. Plus, Seth Smith looks like he came from the planet "Nerd," and wants you to take him to your accountant so he can show him a deduction he missed for charitable donations. That has to be positive.

San Francisco - Bring It Back - Travis Porter - Is it back to back time in the Bay? Brian Wilson's beard wrote an op-ed in the times that guarantees it. With their staff you'd have to believe the Giants are a threat again, but this division, maybe the best in baseball, might beat up on itself to the point only one team makes the postseason. It will be an interesting race until season's end at which point Wilson will most like look like one of those Mexican wolf boys and will be completely unable to see on the mound.

San Diego Padres - Never Say Never - Beiber feat. Will Smith's untalented ass-lucky son - The Padres are consistently overlooked, but they finished just two games back of your eventual World Series champs last year. Don't count them out even with Adrian Gonzalez plying his trade on the East coast. Pitching and their cavernous ball park will keep this team interesting all season.

Los Angeles Dodgers - Back Seat - New Boys feat. The Cataracts - I see three teams in the division that the Dodgers will be looking up at all season unless their pitching surprises. Matt Kemp will find a shoulder to cry on in his girlfriend Rihanna. Juan Uribe can stair at the lock of Brian Wilson's beard that he pilfered from the shower last season if he wants to remember what it feels like to be a winner. He can also ask ESPN to change his picture if he doesn't want to be confused with the protagonist in Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

Arizona Diamondbacks - Blow - Ke$ha - The song says it all, maybe more.

I hope you enjoyed this terribly enjoyable synopsis of what you're about to watch over the next 6 months. I'll recap how wrong I am as the season progresses.

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